I once consulted with a church where a deacon was caught sexually molesting a little girl in the children’s department. He was the only adult (1st mistake) in a children’s Sunday School room with no windows (2nd mistake) and the church had never run any kind of background check on him (or any of their other volunteer workers…3rd mistake). The man fully confessed to the authorities and to the parents of the little girl, and then even more fully confessed to both a problem and a history in this area. He stood before his church and confessed as well. There was actually reconciliation between him and the injured family and there was spiritual restoration of this brother. It was a pretty extraordinary situation in that regard. All of this happened before the church ended up calling me for mediation.
Why then the need for mediation if there was reconciliation all the way around? It was because of what happened in his criminal prosecution and what happened in the church after his release from prison.
A dispute arose in the church about whether the injured family, who said they had fully forgiven him, should have nonetheless testified in the criminal prosecution. Another dispute arose after that, when the man asked to return to work in the children’s Sunday School department, but this time under strict supervision. There was a dispute about how to respond to this request. The argument in both instances centered around the meaning of forgiveness. “If we have forgiven him, shouldn’t we forego testifying at his trial and shouldn’t we trust him again with our children?” Eventually, the church concluded (rightly, I believe) that the correct answer to these questions is “no” and “no”.
Even when forgiveness is fully extended and received, there are often consequences to our offenses. Just because I am forgiven does not mean there will be no consequences. Anybody who has embraced God’s forgiveness for the sin in their own life can testify to this truth…there are still consequences. That the consequences come does not mean God has not forgiven me. Indeed, the consequences may well be the best evidence of His continued love for me (”God disciplines those He loves”).
In the instance I described above, it would be so wrong for the church to put that gentleman (with a confessed problem in this area) back into the same situation only to be tempted again. It would be wrong to the children, to their parents, and especially to that man. Even if this is the man’s only ministry, the consequences of his actions are that he now must find a new and different ministry…one that does not involve being with children. As for the testimony of the family in the criminal prosecution, I suppose it depends on their hearts. If their reason for testifying is to exact punishment out of some sense of retribution, then their motives are poor and are contrary to forgiveness. But if their motives are simply to do their civic duty and tell the truth about what they know (perhaps even with a sense that it will help this man in the long run) then that is not at all inconsistent with forgiveness, because forgiveness does not mean foregoing the consequences.
ONE LAST CAVEAT. In matters where you have an opportunity to “administer the consequences”, be very careful to discern whether that is really your job or not. I’m reminded of Joseph and his decision NOT to “administer consequences” to his brothers who sold him into slavery, though nobody could have blamed him if he had. He simply chose forgiveness and left the consequences to God. I suspect that is our best choice more times than not.
© Blake Coffee
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Blake that statement is absolutely right. Do you suppose that therein lies the difference between ‘forgiveness’ and ‘grace’? We humans are told to forgive but only God grants grace? Under grace (or ‘in Christ’) there is no condemnation…? Maybe I am straining at a distinction that has no practical benefit to us.
mwn
Blake,
Thanks so much for the last few posts on forgiveness. Since you were at our church for a One Body conference 4 years ago, I have referred to your notes many times as I have preached and counseled on forgiveness. They have been a godsend. Keep spreading the word!
Marcus- I honestly don’t know whether the distinction you raise as a possibility is a practical reality for us or not. On the one hand, though we are not condemned by our sin, we do still suffer consequences from it. On the other hand, surely God’s capacity for granting grace is infinitely larger and wider than ours. Just how that difference plays out in practical terms would be a great study. If you write it, may I borrow it?
Billy- So good to hear from you on this blog. I’m honored. I know a pastor’s time is precious. Thanks for the encouragement, brother. Hope to see you again soon. Let me know how else I can help. I love your church.
What did Christ say, let him that is without sin cast the first stone?
It is not up to me to be the judge and jury about others. I need to take care of my own problems and clean my own house.
If I hold onto some wrong (either real or perceived) that was committed, I am only hurting myself. By doing this, I continue to rent space in my head to this event.
And, by concentrating on this type of events, they will color my world.
Personally, I would rather concentrate on “Im sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”.
Live is as good as I allow it to be.
Dave- Great comments, all of them truthful. Thanks. I can tell you have a very positive outlook on life. The world needs more people like you! You are one, I suspect, who understands the positive side of consequences…that is, how they can help us grow and become better, even after we have failed miserably. Thanks again for your comments.
[...] in that regard. All of this happened before the church ended up calling me for mediation.…Read More a2a_linkname=”A Hard Look at Forgiveness”; [...]
If I were the culprit, the church would not be doing me any world of blessing by putting me back where I could be tempted again having told them my history and all…Would you send a repented alcoholic to work in the bar? It’d be like telling the cat to guard the rat. The heart heals slowly even as the heat of the love of God works on it. I also believe the parents’ testimony was right. We should never cover the truth.
After reading this post, I wasn’t surprised to read Billy’s comment above. It’s a graceful post that handles people as people. If this is the kind of work you do in your “day job,” keep it up!
Adelani makes a great observation. The most loving thing a person (or a church)might do for a forgiven person is to not restore the status quo–if placing that person bck in a position or setting that may set the stage for the fall to occur again. It never occured to me that EXACT restoration could be a stumbling block to the brother we are trying to help. It may be better to evidence our forgiveness and restoration of the brother by some other means.
Adelani- Really good comment. I agree 100% We owe the brother who fails so much more than just setting him up to fail all over again. Thanks for this comment. Well said!
Sam- You are an encourager, I can tell. Thanks for the words. I love my day job.
Marcus- I know your comment comes from personal experience in working through the best way to do accountability, a personal experience which I learned from, by the way. Thanks.
Not sure how I ended up on your blog, but a read that I needed!